I was having one of those days when it seems that anything and everything just seems to be the "Straw" that breaks the camels back. I was having a very "girl" kind-of day, and you know its a bad day when your computer and smartboard makes you cry.
I have been having this all out battle with my technology in my classroom this year. Sadly to say I am a HUGE fan of the use of technology in the classroom, and its become very hard for me to teach with out it. Also, all of our grading is done online as well as our lesson plans, so its kind-of a must. Well I have not had working Internet in my classroom since the start of this school year. So no big deal, I have my personal laptop "Ruby" and I would use her on the days that my computer was on the fritz. Then my printer went down, and my bulb burnt out on my projector, right before I was about to give my notes on Europe, which is all on Powerpoint. So I get a new bulb, router, and re-imagining on my computer. So I think that all of the problems are fixed today, and it all falls apart, and so did I.
Now I know that I was not crying over the fact that my stupid computer and Internet was not working, it was just one of those days when the emotions that God included with my gender decided to make an appearance. Then I felt like such a fool for crying over something so stupid. So of course, in walks one of my students and in a slight whiny voice says my name and I responded with, "Not right now I can't deal with it right now." All she was coming to tell me was that she was turning in her project, I know... So after I apologized to her and told her that it wasn't her fault, and that I shouldn't have responded like that, I realized that I just needed to take the rest of the day and go home.
My Dad has just preached on Sunday about showing the kindness of God, and that when we mess up we have to be able to admit it and make it right. So of course this week I would get tested on it. It's always funny to me to see the faces of a student of mine when I apologize to them about something that I did wrong. I guess it's the fact that an adult would admit to messing up that is so foreign to them. They always have this puzzled look on their face and in most cases they're not sure how to respond. So having done that I decided that today would be best for me to go home, so I went to the office and told them I needed a sub.
Now I just have to brag on my school and faculty for a bit and say how awesome they are. They are always so supportive, and didn't even bat an eye at my request. I then went next-door to tell my principal that I was going home. Well him, the vice principal, and one of my friends who is from the school board office were in his office. I told him they were getting me a sub and I was going home, and they all asked if I was ok, well I started crying. I don't know why, I was fine, but I cried and then felt stupid. My vice principal asked if it was because of my computer. I laughed and cried and told her I knew it wasn't the computer, but that if the fact that a computer wasn't working was going to bring me to tears, it was time to call it a day. They told me no problem and that they hoped I would feel better.
I then ran into one of the teachers who is across the hall from me and told her I was leaving. She's a great Christian friend, who always reminds me that we are there at that school for a purpose. She totally got what kind-of day I was having and told me to take a day and go home and read my Bible.
So thats what I did. I also have been reading "Primal: A Quest for the Lost Soul of Christianity" and wow! So I read my Bible first, and I will be very real here and tell you that I don't do this near enough. Reading my Bible has been one of the things that I am always working on. The really sad part, and the part I use to beat myself up with, is that I Love to read! I read all kinds of stuff, but the Bible is by far the hardest thing for me to consistenetly read. For some reason today I started reading Matt. 1 and got to chapter 8. Now when I was a kid my parents had us memorize Matt 5 and as I read it I was kind of just flying through. But then I started reading my book Primal, oh its by Mark Batterson if you wanted to know, and I got to a part where he talkes about the fact that we are called to reflect God. Here's what he writes,
"...in a similar sense, we are called to reflect God-- His compassion, His wonder, His creativity, and His energy. You cannot manufacture those things. You can only reflect them. Our love for God is nothing more and nothing less than a reflection of God's love for us."
Now I had just skimmed through Matt 5 where it states in verse 13 that, "You are the salt of the earth;" and in 14, "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. 15. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
I then started thinking, "wow, what must they think about what kind-of Christian you are that they think you had a meltdown over a computer and that your having an emotinal day?" And then I started talking to God and I said, "why is it that I seem to struggle with the same junk?" And through what I had read He reveiled that I hadn't been spending time in His Word and so how was I to reflect Him? Just like Batterson pointed out in his book, I can't make kindness or love, God is the creator of those things. I am simple a way that he reflects them. We as Christians try so hard to "be" kind, "be" compassionate, "be" loving, we can't produce those things we can only reflect them. The Bible tells us that, "all good things are from above," well then that should tell me that nothing that I do that is good is done by mine own doing, its simply me doing what God wants and allowing Him to use me and to reflect through me. I will never be good enough, right enough, loving enough, but thats ok. I don't have to try and make these things I just have to love God, seek Him and "all these things will be added unto me." When we are where we need to be with God and spending time with Him and drawing near to Him, then we will reflect those things through us. In Matt 5 the salt doesn't make itself salty, God does, its just the product of God. And the light doesn't produce the spark of light it just captures the flame and reflects it. I have to work on getting closer to God and then subsaquently I will reflect what God is.
I love the movie The Mummy, I love all things Egyptian and even went as far as mummifing a lizard when I taught my class about it (but thats a whole other story). In the movie they are searching for artifacts and they are going down into this dark room. Well the heroine in the movie has these large mirriors that she is setting up while the guys are wanting to charge right in. It shows her cleaning the mirrors and positioning one to catch the light of the sun. She explains that when that one mirror catches the light it will reflect and hit the other mirriors and then illumanate the once dark room. All of that said because thats what I thought of today after my lil talk with God. I'm like one of those mirrors. I just catch God's light. I don't produce the light and never will but if I'm not lined up to His Son I can's reflect light to those around me...they see just me and well thats not always the best reflection.