Wednesday, July 17, 2013

My Ally McBeal Baby Moment

   
     So if you haven't seen Ally McBeal or heard of her dancing baby...well then I can imagine that you missed most of the 90s. But if you happen to recall the quirky show you know about the recurring hallucination that is the dancing baby, suggesting a metaphor for the ticking of Ally's biological clock. Well, the reason that I take this strange trip back to the 90's, and to the weirdly cha-cha type dancing doll, is I recently had my own dancing baby moment. I really was scared that I would start to see it...thankfully I can say I never did!

     Seems that lately everyone around me is prego and I, Still VERY single, stated to freak out a bit about my own biological clock ticking away. I can't even say that I really wanted a baby, more like I wanted to know that I had the option of one. I know that one day I want a family, but seems like now is not God's time for me to have that. I started to wonder if maybe marriage is not in the plans for me and maybe if I wanted that family then I might need to consider it would be something I would have to give up on or do on my own. I really thought that maybe I could consider doing it by myself. I mean have you seen the movie "The Switch?" I mean if Jennifer Aniston can make it look cute I could pull off doing artificial insemination right?? I really thought about this...Now looking back (yeah I know it was just a few weeks ago) I am wondering, "What the heck Syl??" Having a kids is a big deal! Yes, I still want a family but I just can't see myself doing it alone. I have to say that after telling some of my friends my crazy idea I was super psyched to hear that they supported yet another one of my crazy ideas. I even asked one of my guy friends if he would offer up the other stuff I would need to make this happen and he said he would...what great friends huh?? LOL!!! 
   
     Anyway... I'm glad to say that after some thoughts and prayers on the subject I realized that I just needed to calm down and screw my head back on. I know 35 is just around the bend, and that tends to freak me about just a bit, I mean really who wants to be an old mom?? But I know that I am going to trust God with my biological clock and let Him do whats best for my life when HE's ready for it to happen to me...thats if He ever does bless me with a family.
Patients has always been something I've struggled with and this is yet another showcase of me trying to take the steering wheel back from God. I have released my life and the "Steering" of it to Him more then I care to admit. But it seems I'm a real backseat driver and tend to argue with God about the route He is taking me on, almost as much as I do with my GPS in my car. And just as with with my GPS, I seem to try to do it my way and get to hear that lovely message of "Rerouting, take the next legal U-turn when available!!!" Why I tend to think I know what I'm doing I will never know? If I look back I can see that He always has a better path then I can ever see.

     Having just had this strange crazy "McBeal" moment I also did yet another stupid thing. Ughh... I will just go ahead and admit that I once again dipped into the online dating pool. Yes, it was a total lack of better judgement on my part and something I said I wouldn't lower myself to again. But it's amazing what fear and desperation will drive you to (I mean no disrespect to anyone who has found love through this avenue...it's just one that I have found it is not for me). So after these two crazy moments, really I have more then 2 but these are the only two that I'm willing to cover now haha, I felt it was a good time for me to regroup and reevaluate my life and who was "steering" it. The best way sometimes for me to do this is to grab my Bible and or find a good book that I can glean wisdom from.


So I began my search on Amazon to find a book that could speak to me. I came across a book titled
"Finally the Bride: Finding Hope While Waiting" What an awesome book!!! I was a little hesitant at first considering the fact that I have read my fair share of "Single and Waiting" books, but I can tell you that this one proved to be just what I needed at the time I needed it. 
     The author Cheryl McKay gives a great honest look at the life of a single Christian women trying to understand and come to terms with the fact that the best way is God's way. I loved how she uses her own journal entries and her deeply honest dialogue with God to tell about her struggle of letting God be the author of her love story. As I read her book there were so many times that I was thinking, "Dang, did this chick read my journals??" I was nodding my head in agreement, shedding tears realizing I wasn't the only one that felt this way, and laughing out loud at her comments and situations that I could so easily identify with. I finished the book in record time and felt it was my job to tell some of my friends in the same boat as I that they just HAD to read this book!!! If you are single and waiting then I HIGHLY recommend that you get this book! 

     Once again I have released the drivers seat back to God (and yes, I deactivated my online dating profile haha). I know that I am not doing any of this alone and I'm thanking God for this time of being single and kid free. I am super thankful for the fact that I have can go off to Europe (what I did this summer) and not have to ask anyone and that I have no late night diaper changes and get a full nights rest!!!! In the book Cheryl challenges you to look for the things that you have to be thankful for during this time in your life. I plan to start on that list and post it next...right after I get a great night of uninterrupted sleep ;)

~Till Next Time

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